My fertility journey so far
Welcome to my first blog! Today I am sharing my fertility journey with you. If you follow me on Instagram you probably know that I am in the beginning of my second IVF. In today’s blog I take you to the beginning until where I am now.
In 2015 my wish to become a mother started to arise in my life. Before I always said that I didn’t want to have children. I have been struggling with health my whole life and thought that I wasn’t capable of being a mother and it wouldn’t be something for me. To protect myself I said “I don’t want children” instead of “I’m afraid but I can do this with the support around me”. Through my yoga and meditation practice I realized that this belief was not true and that I am capable of more than I think. I talked to my husband, who was very happy that I changed my mind and we were ready to start this journey together. Multiplying our love, starting a family and guide a soul with his/hers soul purpose.
After one year of trying and two early miscarriages, we decided to go to the doctor. After hearing our story he send us to the hospital for an appointment with a gynecologist. After a few tests the results came back and we immediately started with intrauterine insemination (IUI). 2016 was also the year that we decided to leave our home country and move to Aruba for my husbands work. You can probably imagine what kind of roller-coaster that was, doing fertility treatments and started this exciting journey to the other side of the world.
After our sixth failed IUI we had an appointment with the gynecologist. I thought that it was over, that we didn’t had enough time for the next step before we were leaving. The doctor told us that we do had enough time if we wanted to start right away. We decided to go for it and started our first In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). If I can be honest with you, this was the most stressful period with the final preparations for moving and this crazy hormonal roller-coaster called IVF. Everything went wrong and long story short, we had one embryo transferred from a bad quality without any hope. As far as we can tell after one IVF, is that probably my egg quality is not that good.
A month after the IVF we moved to Aruba and I had a chance to reflect and rest. A lot of emotions came out; frustration, sadness, grief. We decided to stop with the fertility treatments and start focusing on settling on Aruba and allow nature to do her work. It was after 6 months that I realized that I could not close this chapter yet. The monthly hope and the uncertainty about my egg quality, made us choose for another IVF.
In February this year I went to the hospital in the Netherlands and we made a plan for the second IVF. Together with a bag of injections I went back home and the waiting started. I am a person who normally makes a decision and act to it immediately but because of my husbands work we can only do this treatment during the summer. This waiting was a learning process and a journey on it’s own. I can tell you now that I am happy to had some time to think, prepare and to rest.
During these months of waiting my journey started to change from only seeing a happy future as a mother to being happy and whole with or without a child. These past three years I put my future on hold, waiting for our moon baby to arrive. Now I am on a journey to the Divine within, accepting life however it is showing up, knowing whatever the future holds for us, all is well. I have started to think about my happiness during the wait.
I am ready to dive into this treatment again. I am feeling more balanced and stronger than during the first try. I am wondering if the stress had influence on the quality of the embryo and I am happy that we made the choice to go for another IVF. Five more days until I start with the first injections and twelve more before we are going back to the Netherlands. On Aruba they don’t have the opportunity to do fertility treatments so that is why we are going to the Netherlands. It is also a comforting idea that we will be surrounded by family and close friends who can support us.
Three years in short, this is my fertility journey so far. Thank you for reading! I am grateful for the opportunity to share this with you. Through my sharing I have met many brave women and made some new friends. Having a community and a safe place to share is so important for our well-being. I hope to create some infertility awareness and help other women and couples who are dealing with the same. It is a hard journey, with a lot of hope, fear and what if’s. Know that you are not alone and that all will be well.